Parting wisdom from the Love Guru

by Love Guru Joe Latkovich

Joe, did you come up with your philosophy on love on your own, or do you ask someone else for advice? Does the Love Guru have his own Love Guru? -Mike Zupan ‘14

As a connoisseur of both love and women, I developed much of my philosophy on my own. However, in the rare circumstances that I do need counsel, I go to the Latin department’s very own Mr. James Murphy ‘99. In fact, a couple weeks ago in class, while playing music on his iPad, he proclaimed, “This song goes out to Joe Latkovich in honor of his search for a prom date. Don’t worry bud, she’s out there.”


Love Guru, I have a big problem. My girlfriend dominates our relationship. I’m constantly being forced into doing things I don’t want to do. For instance, I have to read tabloid magazines, pretend that I like Justin Beiber, and watch Pretty Little Liars. I don’t want to end it since I still really like her. What should I do? -Jacob Rossi ‘14

In a perfect world, men wouldn’t have to worry about constant abuse, degradation, and objectification from women, yet, it is a tragic reality in today’s society. However, this abuse may not be a bad thing overall. This deference that you have for your girlfriend contributes to a healthy relationship. Take the advice of Mr. James Murphy ‘99: “Any good marriage is founded on fear.”


I have a question about prom. We are off for Memorial Day, which is the day after prom. I’m looking for something to do with the boys that day, but I don’t know what. Can you help? -Kyle Moroney ‘14

When there is no “leak” or “move”, you have to create your own. Try to do something that is basic, but add some competition to it. When a dazed Chris Melton-Burke once lifted his head from his desk to ask if the class could watch a movie on the Friday of that week, Mr. James Murphy ‘99 replied, “We’re doing shirts and skins speed typing, of course.”


Love Guru, I’m hoping that you can help me. My ex-girlfriend is ruining my life. She is telling all of my friends that I’m a bad person, and she’s telling all of the girls at her school to stay away from me. I’ve asked her to stop, but that only makes it worse. What should I do? -Brian Callahan ‘14

Since you’ve asked her to stop and she hasn’t, your only choice is to fight fire with fire. You need to lay down an ultimatum that if she continues the slander, then you will reciprocate her actions. When an overly pessimistic Zach Stepp – an up-and-coming manager at Five Guys® – made a malicious statement about Mr. James Murphy’s daughter, Maggie, Mr. Murphy returned “Oh, Zach, if you ever talk about my daughter again, I will tell Five Guys that you spit in the burgers.”


Joe, I have a MAJOR problem. My girlfriend recently asked me when I was going to propose to her. I’m only 17, I can’t get married! Even though she’s crazy, I still care for her. Should I break it off? And if not, then what? -Dennis Grosel ‘16

The key here is to be firm in your stance. You need to make it clear that you have no interest in making that commitment at 17. An oddly hopeful Owen Grieves once asked Mr. James Murphy ‘99 when the class could have a bonus test. Mr. Murphy sharply shot back, “Quarter to never. Never o’clock.”