The Saint Ignatius High School administration announced this month that Advisory will be terminated beginning next fall as a result of increasingly aggressive orders by the newly created Department of Greater Education. These cuts are part of a larger agenda by the Department—widely called DOGE—to “target waste, fraud, and abuse” in the school community, according to Student Body President Jad Alsouss.

“Advisory has for too long been a bureaucratic procedure at the expense of students’ time,” Alsouss said at a recent press conference. “DOGE is committed to streamlining your school day —beginning with Advisory.”

While news of the cuts was generally well-received by the student body, not everyone was convinced. “DOGE has no right to remove the highlight of my day,” Sophomore Max Churtle ‘27 complained. “How else will I calculate my GPA or fill out my weekly Google Form?”

Critics argue that the Department is a cover for power consolidation, especially after it absorbed the school’s vending machines and water fountains last month. Insider reports suggest that DOGE is looking to remove the Formation period next.

According to Alsouss, Advisory will be replaced by a weekly email. When asked if Advisory could make a comeback, the President replied, “Only if it starts generating revenue like
DOGE’s newly acquired vending machine and water supply wing. Student government has never been so well-funded.”

When asked for the new funding’s destination, Alsouss denied claims about a new Student Body President Tesla Model S.

In the meantime, students will have to say goodbye to Advisory.

Jebediah Yoder ’27 is embroiled in a controversy over the “Must Have a Phone No Phone Policy”

Earlier this year the Fior Administration instituted a new policy under which all students must have their phones in their Yondr pouches at all times. This policy prevents students from claiming to have left their phones “in their car,” “at home,” or “in their other Yondr pouch.”

While intended to crack down on phone addicts secretly accessing their iPhones, one student, Jebediah Yoder ‘27, has had to go to extremes to comply with the new policy.  Yoder, Ignatius’s first student of Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, has had to buy an iPhone just to comply with the no phone policy. “This is just plain wild, ya know. Feels a bit like I’m going against everything I believe in. I don’t even use a darn phone!”

Upon learning their son would be forced to adopt the forbidden technology, the Yoders rushed straight to the school with complaints. Arriving just under 27 hours later, Elder Samuel Yoder made his case to the administration.

“It’s tough as three-day old schnitzel getting Jebediah out here to the city every day,” said Yoder. “Those horseless carriages on I-77 don’t seem to take too kindly to the old buggy slowing down traffic. But this whole phone policy is a smack in the gob.”

The Yoders proposed a compromise: placing a iPhone carved out of white oak in Jebediah’s Yondr pouch, but Assistant Principal for Discipline Kevin Sheridan wasn’t having it.

“A wooden iPhone? You can’t check your Insta with that. So what would be the point of locking it up? Our policy is to protect our students from social media. But we can’t do that unless they have a device with which they can access social media.”

Unable to argue with such compelling logic, the Yoders were forced to sell most of their possessions to purchase a refurbished iPhone 13 from Amazon.

Meanwhile, students have been taking Yoder’s side. On April 1st, a group of students barricaded the Discipline office with stacks of hay. They then proceeded to stash their Yondr
pouches in the hay as a protest and received 5 JUGs for not having their pouches in their next class.

Mr. Sheridan’s office did not answer requests for comments.

In a lengthy email last month, Dr. Fior outlined preliminary plans to acquire Saint Ignatius High School’s first satellite campus in Lakewood.

That email has raised concerns among the student body for its “aggressive rhetoric,” according to one Ignatius student, who will remain anonymous for his safety. In multiple instances, Dr. Fior referred to the campus as an “absolute necessity for the school’s growth.”

While the Principal’s Office refused to comment on the issue further, spokesperson Mr. Sabol was remarkably determined: “Our new satellite campus will ensure we can maintain quality education for our growing student body. One way or another, we’re going to get it.”

Student reactions were cautiously optimistic. In a survey sent out to the student body last week, an overwhelming majority of students voted to name the new campus “Blue and Gold Land.” In contrast, current students of the Lakewood campus are not as excited. One recent poll estimated that 99 percent of the school’s students and 83% of the faculty opposed the acquisition. “These plans are unacceptable and disrespectful to our school community,” one anonymous student said. “Our school is not for sale.”

Despite these complaints, Mr. Sabol remains confident that the acquisition will be a net positive. “I’ve talked to students at our future satellite campus, and they love the idea. It’s time to spread the wings of Ignatian freedom and secure a better future for all our students.”

Faculty wondr whethr Yondr will impact grammr

Since returning to school on January 7th, Saint Ignatius required that all student cell phones be locked into a Yoondr pouch phone from 8:20am to 3:05pm. It was clear early on that this decision would greatly impact the student body, requiring them to get off their phones and turn to others and even God. But, more surprisingly, it undoubtedly had a bigger impact on one of the English teachers here: Mr. Boenker. 

Mr. Boenker has long idealized a world made up of perfect grammatical structure, institutionalized semantics, and standardized format in writing, void of the brain rot and misspellings common in media. The Ignatius phone policy, however, has tested Mr. Boenker extremely, possibly indicating that he has finally met his match. On the Yourndr pouch, in big green letters displays Mr. Boenker’s horror: the blatant misspelling “Yondr.” As many logophiles know, the correct spelling would have been “yonder”, a term that exemplifies a faraway distance or remote location according to Merriam Webster. Thus, it is easy to see how the Yon Pouch company could have lost sight of this term, missing a letter or two. 

Anyway, Mr. Boenker has set up business in the English office on the fourth floor to correct this mistake before the whole world descends into misspelling madness. His desk is full of conspiracy theories of who exactly inputted the typo. In his haste to save the English language from practical extinction, Mr. Boenker realizes that he has a lot of work to do. He has to find every student’s Yowder pouch across the globe and every distribution of such a heinous spelling crime. Fortunately, Mr. Boenker knows clandestine methods to hunt down the offending pouches. He sneaks into schools’ libraries, hides under cafeteria tables and desks, and infiltrates the Youth Pouch HQ, all with his top-performing green permanent marker. As Mr. Boenker says, “Absent from vision–absent from perception,” an English teacher’s spoof on the usual quote for lay people: “Out of sight–out of mind.” It’s clear the Yoover Dam central office will not know what hit them. 

In his rebellion against the Anti-Spelling movement, Mr. Boenker’s efforts will not go unnoticed. As he triumphantly maintained, “I will not stop until all Yonkersite pouches are hereby extirpated from the globe!”