Crew Team Excited by Plans for New Moat

A rendering of the proposed moat around Saint Ignatius.

The recent addition to the campus has left some wondering where we can take the glorious expansion of our school to next. After much deliberation and reflection, Fr. Guiao decided to cave to demands from the crew team. He approved a purchase of the streets and houses directly surrounding the campus to build a circular surrounding waterway. Although this would result in students having to swim the last portion of the trek to school, it is a necessary change.

When interviewed, one member of the crew team stated that “The river is the same color as suspicious sludge.” Another reminisced on a time when they fell into the river: “I must have gotten some of the water into my mouth because I was puking for week straight afterwards.” Although the river is obviously unsanitary, concerns from the surrounding community made the school hesitant. People claimed that they lived in the houses that needed to be demolished; however, it was determined that they didn’t need a house as much as the crew team needed training grounds.

In accordance with the speedy construction of the previous campus expansions, it is expected that the moat will be finished by the end of the 2027. As long as things keep going to plan, the school plans to continue expanding the campus throughout the entire Midwest.

In an idealistic future, a press release obtained by The Eye states that “Expansion is not only the handmaid of greatness, but above all, it is the handmaid of peace. Every expansion of a civilized power is a conquest for peace.”