Since returning to school on January 7th, Saint Ignatius required that all student cell phones be locked into a Yoondr pouch phone from 8:20am to 3:05pm. It was clear early on that this decision would greatly impact the student body, requiring them to get off their phones and turn to others and even God. But, more surprisingly, it undoubtedly had a bigger impact on one of the English teachers here: Mr. Boenker.
Mr. Boenker has long idealized a world made up of perfect grammatical structure, institutionalized semantics, and standardized format in writing, void of the brain rot and misspellings common in media. The Ignatius phone policy, however, has tested Mr. Boenker extremely, possibly indicating that he has finally met his match. On the Yourndr pouch, in big green letters displays Mr. Boenker’s horror: the blatant misspelling “Yondr.” As many logophiles know, the correct spelling would have been “yonder”, a term that exemplifies a faraway distance or remote location according to Merriam Webster. Thus, it is easy to see how the Yon Pouch company could have lost sight of this term, missing a letter or two.
Anyway, Mr. Boenker has set up business in the English office on the fourth floor to correct this mistake before the whole world descends into misspelling madness. His desk is full of conspiracy theories of who exactly inputted the typo. In his haste to save the English language from practical extinction, Mr. Boenker realizes that he has a lot of work to do. He has to find every student’s Yowder pouch across the globe and every distribution of such a heinous spelling crime. Fortunately, Mr. Boenker knows clandestine methods to hunt down the offending pouches. He sneaks into schools’ libraries, hides under cafeteria tables and desks, and infiltrates the Youth Pouch HQ, all with his top-performing green permanent marker. As Mr. Boenker says, “Absent from vision–absent from perception,” an English teacher’s spoof on the usual quote for lay people: “Out of sight–out of mind.” It’s clear the Yoover Dam central office will not know what hit them.
In his rebellion against the Anti-Spelling movement, Mr. Boenker’s efforts will not go unnoticed. As he triumphantly maintained, “I will not stop until all Yonkersite pouches are hereby extirpated from the globe!”
