With the conclusion of the Scholarship Drive, the school crowned three unprecedented sellers, each annihilating the past school record. With this new standard, one question remains: What lengths will students go to next year to demolish these new records?
Sophomore Max Churtle can answer that question. Churtle is planning to get up at 4:00 AM daily to sell. Currently, he aims to exponentially increase the top selling record produced this year: “Why stop at double when who knows what more I could get?” Clearly, Churtle’s optimism will carry him far in his marketing career. But, how will he carry this insurmountable project to success?
After Churtle gets himself ready at 4:00 am, he will travel door- to-door, relentlessly pleading his cause at every house in Ohio.
After that, Churtle will have his routine call with the President and the National Economic Council Director to allocate more funds for his marketing campaign. No wonder the national debt has been going up! Churtle ventures to have an AI system routinely send emails to every person in the continental US, badgering them until they purchase at least one ticket. Those who purchase will then face calls bi-weekly, encouraging additional sales. In the event that the phone marketing is not enough, Churtle will plaster his face on billboards throughout Ohio and launch an all-encompassing social media campaign on Facebook, Instagram,
TikTok, YouTube, and more. Amazon has partnered with Churtle and will be offering free Express Shipping following the purchase of five Scholarship Drive tickets. Most surprising, Churtle managed to book the first commercial of the 2026 Super Bowl! He has also partnered with the Harlequins and Catatonics to record his Scholarship Drive theme song rumored to be featured at the 2026 Grammy Awards! As he repeated multiple times, “I will
never stop selling tickets!”
But, what motivates a young teenager to get out of bed so early and hit the entrepreneurial treadmill? As our Ignatius history suggests, a house was once a featured prize for top ticket sales in the Scholarship Drive. Churtle, however, is not settling for a commonplace dwelling. Churtle has set his sights on a mansion with a pool, a gym, a movie theater, and multiple elevators in addition to a yacht and private jet. The school has planned in the event that he succeeds to set up a landing strip for his ease of transportation. Unfortunately, Wasmer Field will no longer be available for games or practice. Churtle,
however, will never worry about a JUG for tardiness again! Yondr pouch immunity for the remainder of his Ignatius career has even been alleged, allowing him to use his phone in the hallway, free periods, and lunch.
Without a doubt, this next year will have a lasting impact on the future of the Scholarship Drive! Let’s remember to congratulate Max Churtle if you see him in the hallways. Even better, buy a ticket from the guy! He might give you a “lift” to school next year!
