Jebediah Yoder ’27 is embroiled in a controversy over the “Must Have a Phone No Phone Policy”
Earlier this year the Fior Administration instituted a new policy under which all students must have their phones in their Yondr pouches at all times. This policy prevents students from claiming to have left their phones “in their car,” “at home,” or “in their other Yondr pouch.”
While intended to crack down on phone addicts secretly accessing their iPhones, one student, Jebediah Yoder ‘27, has had to go to extremes to comply with the new policy. Yoder, Ignatius’s first student of Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, has had to buy an iPhone just to comply with the no phone policy. “This is just plain wild, ya know. Feels a bit like I’m going against everything I believe in. I don’t even use a darn phone!”
Upon learning their son would be forced to adopt the forbidden technology, the Yoders rushed straight to the school with complaints. Arriving just under 27 hours later, Elder Samuel Yoder made his case to the administration.
“It’s tough as three-day old schnitzel getting Jebediah out here to the city every day,” said Yoder. “Those horseless carriages on I-77 don’t seem to take too kindly to the old buggy slowing down traffic. But this whole phone policy is a smack in the gob.”
The Yoders proposed a compromise: placing a iPhone carved out of white oak in Jebediah’s Yondr pouch, but Assistant Principal for Discipline Kevin Sheridan wasn’t having it.
“A wooden iPhone? You can’t check your Insta with that. So what would be the point of locking it up? Our policy is to protect our students from social media. But we can’t do that unless they have a device with which they can access social media.”
Unable to argue with such compelling logic, the Yoders were forced to sell most of their possessions to purchase a refurbished iPhone 13 from Amazon.
Meanwhile, students have been taking Yoder’s side. On April 1st, a group of students barricaded the Discipline office with stacks of hay. They then proceeded to stash their Yondr
pouches in the hay as a protest and received 5 JUGs for not having their pouches in their next class.
Mr. Sheridan’s office did not answer requests for comments.
