Teacher War: Arguments ensue over which department would win a fight


It was another great 8th period in Mr. Corrigan’s AP European History class. He was lecturing to his students about the 30 Years War. Although it was two weeks ago, I remember nothing because all I could think about was a war within Saint Ignatius. If each department were to have a battle to the death, who would win? I quickly posed my question to the class because I needed all the analysis I could get. Everyone, at once, shouted out great points: “Mr. Wolf is super fast!” “Mr. Cicetti played college football!” and my personal favorite, “Mr. Kobe could end everyone if he truly wanted to.”

After everyone got their initial thoughts out into the air, we settled down and started to discuss department by department, who would win in a bare bones street fight. Let us start with the Health & Physical Education Department. While Mr. Eynon has the strength of ten men, the entire department as a whole is simply outnumbered. With only six members, they would simply be overmatched by a larger department. I would like to note that they have the most strength man for man, and Mr. Gaughan could surprise a lot of people. However, it is not looking good for them.

Secondly, the Fine Arts Department. This also comes down to the number of people they have. They would simply be overmatched by a larger math or history department. Mr. Steward would probably take care of a few teaches, but he could only do so much. Mr. Jarc could modify his drone into a weapon no one would want to face. Mrs. Kyle has a kiln in her room. What scares me is the advanced warfare they bring to the table. However, there are too few of them to make a big impact.

Third, the Theology Department. Don’t let the title fool you, these teachers are not afraid to throw down. Mr. McLaughlin would surprise everyone with his athletic abilities. Personally, I would rather be thrown in a cage with a tiger than with Mr. Corrigan. In the off-season the theology acquired Mr. Fior from Campus Ministry. A huge pickup that cannot go unnoticed. Mr. Betz was also acquired at the deadline. The department has some great strengths, but we must looked the Injured Reserve List. Mr. Prokop is out with a foot injury, which is huge. Fr. Shelton also teaches in languages, so who knows where his loyalties would lie. The Theology Department has some bruisers, but they need to be 100% in order to achieve total victory.

Next up, the Languages Department. I am scared to death by the Latin teachers, they know so much Roman warfare that who knows what they have up their sleeves. They also have a ballista, which is very threatening. Sr. Torres can not be underestimated. The problem with languages is communication between them. Would Latin, Mandarin, Greek, Spanish, and French teachers be able to speak the same language? The sad thing is, I don’t believe so.

Placing bronze comes the Science Department. While they have all the tools necessary to succeed, I cannot see them pulling through in a street fight. I could picture Mr. Decarlo building some sort of laser to destroy the competition, and Mr. McGinness seems like the guy who knows a lot about alchemy, so do not drink anything he gives you. Mr. Wolf is an athlete unlike any other, however, the department is missing the x-factor necessary to get them the W.

I must reward the mathematics department with the runner-up trophy. You may be shocked by this, but they have athletes such as Mr. Gallaway, Mr. Rowell, and Mr. Crew. But, the big ticket here is Mr. Kobe. If he is able to get his hands on a bow and arrow, that is all she wrote for every other teacher. If this were an individual tournament, Mr. Kobe would easily win. Don’t let the equations fool you, it all adds up that the Math Department finishes second.

Taking home the cup is the History Department. This is undeniable; they are the Golden State Warriors of teacher fights. I cannot spot a weak link in this lineup. Mr. Cicetti played college football, Mr. Sullivan wins marathons, Mr. Hess’s jawline is so fine that Mike Tyson could punch him and break his own hand, Mr. Wimbiscus is, well Mr. Wimbiscus. Let us not forget Mr. Dan Corrigan is a Navy Seal. There is so much expertise that the history department is unmatched by any other department.

Each department has its highlights and lowlights, except for history. They are incredibly well rounded. While this would be extremely interesting to watch, I do not believe this will ever happen at Saint Ignatius.

This episode of PodCats poses the question to various faculty members who sound off on their predictions.