The Love Guru

by Liam Garven ’15

Dear Love Guru,
There is this girl who is beyond amazing. She has a soul and heart, still only pure. I can only imagine how wonderful my life would be if I blew like a leaf in the breeze out of the friendzone. What should I do?- Luke Diggs ‘15

Dear Luke,
Wow, it seems as if you really have some intense feelings. These kinds of strong and pure emotions can really fuel some fantastic writing. You may want to consider putting these emotions into words with some poetry or a nice narrative. It may seem extremely and slightly needy, but any girl will melt once they see your rhyme scheme and use of couplets. Remember, write a girl a poem, and you have found the way to her heart.

Dear Love Guru,
There is this cute West Side Catholic school girl that has been creeping on me for the past year or so. Whenever she hangs out with my friends, all she talks about is me? I’m not sure how I feel. How do I play this one, chief?-Dan Ertle ‘15

Dear Danny,
This predicament you find yourself in is definitely not a bad one. First, you have to straighten out your feelings for this girl. If you decide you reciprocate her feelings, then you have a few options. You could go the route of the “cocky yet confident” man. If you flash that Notre Dame acceptance letter just once, her love for you will multiply more than Mitch Pallaki. Also, you could be a little more aggressive. We all know that you’re the assertive Cheney to Mulach’s laidback Bush. If you have feelings, don’t let them hide and make sure you’re extremely upfront.

Dear Love Guru,
Quick question for your Love Guruness: This may or may not be your area of expertise, but I need you to answer a question. What is “upfam”? Everyone always asks each other but no one ever seems to have an answer. What is it? When can I use it? Is it an instrument? What does it taste like? What does it look for in a guy? Thanks for your time. P.S. Thanks for warming up my dinner -Your pal, Andrew Baldado ‘16

Dear Baldadadado,
This is a fantastic question, and the answer has eluded me for some time. I would often ask my friends, “what’s upfam?” and they would simply respond with an “Aye, nothing, my dude” or “Lmao, you good, bro?”. It seems to have no taste or anyway to really tangibly sense it, like love or Zimmerman’s hairline. Also, no, Andrew, upfam is not an instrument. All I can say with certainty is that upfam remains a mystery, and its effects on the world of love may never be known.

Dear Love Guru,
What do I do if the love of my life isn’t a libertarian? Whenever I ask her what the government’s next move should be, regardless of the topic, I always hope she says “nothing” like a true American and true libertarian would do. Obviously, she does not worship the ideals of the near deity that is Ayn Rand. I’m not sure what to do, please help. –Patrick Millican ‘15

Dear Paddy,
Your situation is undoubtedly a difficult one, as opposing ideological and political views have led to the end of many a relationship. Try and show her the amazing world of self-reliance and minimal government intervention. If she ever asks you for help in any circumstance, simply tell her “no” and watch her grow as a person from that experience. If that doesn’t work, you must ask yourself how much you love this girl. If that doesn’t work, you must ask yourself if you love her enough to overcome this near fatal flaw.

Dear Love Guru,
This girl I like is tough egg to crack. I busted out some of my signature, and nearly professional, dance moves in front of her, but it had little to no effect on her lack of feelings towards me. I was two-stepping, doing the Soulja-boy, dougie-ing, and even whipping! I’m not sure where to go from here; my moves have never failed! What do I do?-John Abdelnour ‘15

Dear John,
I would like to meet the woman who can resist the temptation of your dance moves, because you are widely considered the Michael Jackson of Ignatius, and maybe our entire generation. If at all possible, try and kick your dancing up a notch. You need to really be moving if you want this girl to view you as a suitable mate. If you truly have given it your all and that doesn’t work, then you may want to try some other arts forms like freestyle rapping. You’re a talented and creative kid and need to express that, whether it’s through dope dance moves or some sick rhymes.